This piece is three years old, but I keep thinking about it, because it remains the best expression of something people say a lot that I disagree with.
So. Number one. I agree that you don’t need to get married or have a kid to have a party. People don’t throw enough parties nowadays. I’m a big believer in the party thrower tax credit. 100% throw a party. Throw a birthday party, a graduation party, a book launch party, a housewarming party, a no-reason party. Go hard, make everyone wear black tie. And invite me. Like…I suggested the party…it would be weird if you didn’t invite me.
But the piece isn’t just called “Have a Party,” it’s called “You Don’t Need to Get Married or Have a Kid to Have a Party” & the piece’s subhead is “The Case for the Non-Baby Baby Shower.” The framing is sort of that people who have weddings & baby showers are getting something unfairly.
And I guess that I—unmarried, childless, only saved from the “cat lady” sobriquet because I have not committed even to a cat—do think that people deserve extra from their friends & loved ones for getting married & for having a baby.
Peterson talks about how “we’ve organized our celebrations towards a very narrow slice of ‘achievement.’” Well, people probably do think of the wedding and the baby as achievements. But I think the reason weddings/baby-showers are more “socially validated” (also from the second paragraph) than graduation parties, housewarmings, etc., is not because getting married or having a kid is a special achievement, but because it’s a special obligation. You’re agreeing to (at least try to) do something very difficult for another person!
Which is why the gifts make more sense at weddings and especially at baby showers than at other parties1—because the gifts aren’t just to commemorate an achievement, but to help you fulfil the continuing obligation you’re undertaking.
although, & this is just my experience, it’s pretty normal i think to get lots of gifts at a graduation or a housewarming party? not “wedding/baby-shower” gift levels but much more than eg a birthday. is that your experience too? i was surprised when peterson said “Still, these celebrations [in context—big gift-giving parties for big life changes] largely remain in the realm of theory, very rarely making their way into actual practice. They’re the sort of thing people empathetically say should be okay but still feel very weird about actually doing.”