I don’t think what I’m saying is true for everyone, or even a majority, but I think it’s true for a certain type of person.
It’s obvious, but people need something to live for which isn’t just maintaining their status quo: goals. However, whether it be from material circumstances, conditioned disposition, or a general sense of hopelessness, it is very difficult to crystallize your pursuit of life satisfaction.
But if you don’t think about it, you’ll have your goals chosen for you. Not crystallized, very blurry, but there nonetheless.
The most prevalent “default goal” is “Find Love.”
If you’re the definitionally average citizen - you occupy a bullshit job, paying you mediocre wages, and come home to a one bedroom apartment (maybe now you have roommates).
Generally, the things keeping you going are: finding love, religion, mom would be sad, or the abstract hope that One Day Life Will Finally Begin (then you can do things like write novels, like you’ve always wanted to!)
It’s not *that* grim. I believe people do have a lot of fun hanging out with friends, drinking, watching sunday night football or the circle - but that quest for love seems to run pretty deep if there’s nothing better to do. Or, if you’re like me, to escape the things you *need to be doing.*
One day, it happens. You did it. You found love. They’re great! But pragmatics. Distribution wise, probably something like 80%+ (pulled from nowhere[1]) of relationships aren’t disney fantasies. But now you can’t think about finding love. You’ve already found it. This was your big thing, right? The all-encompassing hollow accompanying long term goal completion kicks in. Now what?
Jokes on you, only for the sufficiently introspective does it get to that point. Humans are sooooo smart. They know that’s coming on a deeper level. So pre-emptively they’ll make their relationship explosive. It can’t be easy (except, rarely, when it is) - it needs to be filled with story arcs and watershed moments and climaxes. This can manifest externally in the form of relationship conflict, or internally like what happened to the protagonist in Four Doors.
When I’ve been competitive in athletics and hobbies, I grew incredibly outcome dependent. Every loss felt personal, every victory a fresh vindication. I genuinely cared to improve and kept a journal of every unique mistake or clever counter I ever experienced in debate or football. When I’ve underwent periods without a devoted pursuit, my attention inevitably shifts to relationships. “How do they really feel about me, are they leaving, does everyone hate me, I’m so weird, they’re so cute.” Every minor slight I read its intentionality. Every pet peeve a fresh burst of rage. Very neurotic behavior.
I’m capable enough to keep this clammed up for all my friendships but I don’t think it’s a coincidence that my most turbulent relationships coincide with these eras of my life - where I’m aimless. I see that aspect of myself in the protagonist.
It’s hard to crystallize fulfilling goals. You have to convince yourself that you can. Once you do that, it’s infinitely scary, because if you can, and should, then you ethically must! Much simpler to not think about it (copenhagen ethics yadayada). Once you’ve done that first step, you’re cooked, and a little voice will keep howling.
I don’t mean goals like “go to lollapalooza” or “own a gold diamond yacht.” Those don’t beat back the emptiness very long. I mean goals pertaining to changing some system around you on a non trivial level. I don’t know if that works for everyone but it’s worked for me.
Then again, maybe it’s not so bad to keep chasing love and relationships for all your days. Before goals and hobbies existed, there was only one Game, called “what’s the tribe doin.’” I notice in the rural villages of my home country, the bulk of everyone’s day is composed of family, visiting neighbors, petty gossip, and infidelity scandals[2]. This does seem to be the default state of human existence, and they seem pretty happy overall.
1. I actually looked into happy marriage rates. Numbers vary but it seems most (60+%)marriages are “pretty happy?” But then half of all marriages get divorced. And of the remaining half theres got to be some fraction just chugging along. I want to say that people might not be willing to admit on survey that their relationship is subpar, because it would mean admitting it to themselves, but it seems very unfair for me to tell them how they feel.
2. What struck me was how extreme their emotions were for a society with no alcohol/drug abuse at all! They’d cry, yell, scream, shout, pace around, all over long running interpersonal relationships in complete sobriety.
not frequently! but on substack i have found a lot of people who are fundamentally haters which makes me trust their contemporary lit recommendations, so im giving it a serious go for the first time in many years. this kick has this month included “the english understand wool,” “erasures,” “new people” which im glad i read
I don’t think what I’m saying is true for everyone, or even a majority, but I think it’s true for a certain type of person.
It’s obvious, but people need something to live for which isn’t just maintaining their status quo: goals. However, whether it be from material circumstances, conditioned disposition, or a general sense of hopelessness, it is very difficult to crystallize your pursuit of life satisfaction.
But if you don’t think about it, you’ll have your goals chosen for you. Not crystallized, very blurry, but there nonetheless.
The most prevalent “default goal” is “Find Love.”
If you’re the definitionally average citizen - you occupy a bullshit job, paying you mediocre wages, and come home to a one bedroom apartment (maybe now you have roommates).
Generally, the things keeping you going are: finding love, religion, mom would be sad, or the abstract hope that One Day Life Will Finally Begin (then you can do things like write novels, like you’ve always wanted to!)
It’s not *that* grim. I believe people do have a lot of fun hanging out with friends, drinking, watching sunday night football or the circle - but that quest for love seems to run pretty deep if there’s nothing better to do. Or, if you’re like me, to escape the things you *need to be doing.*
One day, it happens. You did it. You found love. They’re great! But pragmatics. Distribution wise, probably something like 80%+ (pulled from nowhere[1]) of relationships aren’t disney fantasies. But now you can’t think about finding love. You’ve already found it. This was your big thing, right? The all-encompassing hollow accompanying long term goal completion kicks in. Now what?
Jokes on you, only for the sufficiently introspective does it get to that point. Humans are sooooo smart. They know that’s coming on a deeper level. So pre-emptively they’ll make their relationship explosive. It can’t be easy (except, rarely, when it is) - it needs to be filled with story arcs and watershed moments and climaxes. This can manifest externally in the form of relationship conflict, or internally like what happened to the protagonist in Four Doors.
When I’ve been competitive in athletics and hobbies, I grew incredibly outcome dependent. Every loss felt personal, every victory a fresh vindication. I genuinely cared to improve and kept a journal of every unique mistake or clever counter I ever experienced in debate or football. When I’ve underwent periods without a devoted pursuit, my attention inevitably shifts to relationships. “How do they really feel about me, are they leaving, does everyone hate me, I’m so weird, they’re so cute.” Every minor slight I read its intentionality. Every pet peeve a fresh burst of rage. Very neurotic behavior.
I’m capable enough to keep this clammed up for all my friendships but I don’t think it’s a coincidence that my most turbulent relationships coincide with these eras of my life - where I’m aimless. I see that aspect of myself in the protagonist.
It’s hard to crystallize fulfilling goals. You have to convince yourself that you can. Once you do that, it’s infinitely scary, because if you can, and should, then you ethically must! Much simpler to not think about it (copenhagen ethics yadayada). Once you’ve done that first step, you’re cooked, and a little voice will keep howling.
I don’t mean goals like “go to lollapalooza” or “own a gold diamond yacht.” Those don’t beat back the emptiness very long. I mean goals pertaining to changing some system around you on a non trivial level. I don’t know if that works for everyone but it’s worked for me.
Then again, maybe it’s not so bad to keep chasing love and relationships for all your days. Before goals and hobbies existed, there was only one Game, called “what’s the tribe doin.’” I notice in the rural villages of my home country, the bulk of everyone’s day is composed of family, visiting neighbors, petty gossip, and infidelity scandals[2]. This does seem to be the default state of human existence, and they seem pretty happy overall.
1. I actually looked into happy marriage rates. Numbers vary but it seems most (60+%)marriages are “pretty happy?” But then half of all marriages get divorced. And of the remaining half theres got to be some fraction just chugging along. I want to say that people might not be willing to admit on survey that their relationship is subpar, because it would mean admitting it to themselves, but it seems very unfair for me to tell them how they feel.
2. What struck me was how extreme their emotions were for a society with no alcohol/drug abuse at all! They’d cry, yell, scream, shout, pace around, all over long running interpersonal relationships in complete sobriety.
i think you're on to something, jesus thank you for writing all that
it makes sense but I feel 1% betrayed that you read modern lit
not frequently! but on substack i have found a lot of people who are fundamentally haters which makes me trust their contemporary lit recommendations, so im giving it a serious go for the first time in many years. this kick has this month included “the english understand wool,” “erasures,” “new people” which im glad i read
This was a very readable take. I'm excited to read this book someday.